Drowning in Support Overload

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Going through a high-conflict divorce with a narcissistic partner can feel like navigating a stormy sea with no compass. As if the emotional turmoil weren’t enough, the added pressure of managing friendships and support networks can become overwhelming. For me, losing friends wasn’t the primary struggle; it was the influx of well-meaning individuals offering their support that left me feeling like I was drowning. Phone calls and text messages poured in by the dozens, and I simply couldn’t keep up. Every ping felt like another wave crashing over me, pulling me further from the surface.

The constant abuse and emotional manipulation from my ex-husband has left my mind distorted and confused, causing me to doubt my own self-worth. The last several years’ worth of experiences continue to haunt me, leaving me with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Even today, I find myself questioning my worth and second-guessing every move I make. I question every decision, every interaction, every aspect of my life.

The continual second-guessing of my decisions has affected my role as a parent, casting doubt on my ability to provide for and nurture my children. This self-doubt often leads to moments of hesitation and uncertainty, hindering my confidence in guiding and supporting them through life’s challenges. The journey of healing and moving forward feels like an uphill battle every day, especially as I navigate the complexities of being a single parent to both a teenager and a tween. Simple tasks that once seemed manageable now feel daunting, and the weight of responsibility often feels overwhelming, making it challenging to function in the way I used to.

Communication became a challenge; I couldn’t bring myself to be open and honest with my friends about what I was going through. The strain extended to my family, who were once my pillars of support. But as the chaos of the divorce consumed me, their presence faded, leaving me feeling isolated and alone. The trauma of the divorce has cast a long shadow over my life, making it difficult to reach out to those I’ve unintentionally distanced myself from, even today. I never imagined I would face such overwhelming challenges. Navigating through this turmoil has been uncharted territory for me, leaving me feeling lost and unsure of how to move forward.

Despite the outpouring of support, I found myself withdrawing further into myself. Instead of leaning on my support network, I shut down, avoiding calls and messages. Even my family, who lived a mere hundred miles away, seemed out of reach. The expectation for me to reach out for help only adds to my sense of isolation. It seemed easier to retreat into solitude, even as I longed for connection. The isolation took its toll, fracturing even the closest of relationships. Some family members, once my most important confidantes and closest allies haven’t spoken to me in months. The silence echoes louder than any words could, leaving me to wonder what I have done wrong. And as accusations about my parenting skills were hurled my way, I struggled to find solid ground.

In the midst of the chaos, I long for understanding. I want to tell my friends I appreciate their support, even though I withdrew from it. I want them to know that it wasn’t them; it was me—a mess of emotions and insecurities trying to find my way through the storm. The weight of the divorce has rendered me passive, unable to muster the courage to reach out to the friends I’ve distanced myself from. I am consumed by embarrassment and shame. I never anticipated being in a position where I would struggle to reconnect and apologize, grappling with fear of rejection and judgment. And though the journey ahead remains uncertain, I hold onto hope that with time and healing, I can emerge from the darkness and reclaim my life.

Reflective Questions: Sparking Thought and Connection

Have you ever experienced feelings of isolation or withdrawal during a challenging period in your life, such as a high-conflict divorce? How did you cope with these emotions?

How do you balance the need for support from friends and family with the overwhelming pressure and chaos of a difficult situation like navigating a divorce with a narcissistic partner?

Reflecting on your own experiences or those shared in the blog post, what strategies have you found helpful in maintaining communication and connection with your support network during times of crisis?

Can you relate to the struggle of being unable to be honest with friends and family about your challenges? How do you navigate these feelings of vulnerability and fear of judgment?

Expert Guidance: Family Therapists’ Strategies

A high-conflict divorce requires more than seeking professional help, setting boundaries, and gradually reconnecting with support networks. In my search for advice on how to cope with the complex challenges of a high-conflict divorce, I came across three therapists who provide practical tools for coping. According to Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, managing emotions constructively is crucial. Rather than ignoring anger, hurt, or betrayal, we need to actively seek healthier outlets for processing these emotions. Exercise, meditation, and journaling are some of these outlets. I’ve been working on two of Dr. Heitler’s three outlets.

Marriage therapist Dr. Martha Lee also stresses the importance of reframing perspectives. Instead of focusing solely on conflict and resentment, look for opportunities for growth and gratitude. Also, focusing on the well-being of any children involved is crucial. During family counseling, we have worked with our therapist to reaffirm our relationship as one team, as one unit. We also learned strategies for dealing with each other’s needs and responsibilities. Our team is still working on all of this, but we are now all committed to finding ways to work together.

According to Dr. Peter Pearson, a couples therapist, children need a stable and nurturing environment to be protected from parental conflict. The best way to accomplish this is to establish consistent routines, encourage open communication, and emphasize love and support. While navigating a high-conflict divorce can be difficult, incorporating these insights into your coping strategies can empower you and help foster resilience.

Unveiling the Illusion: Navigating the Realities of Marriage, Narcissism, & Self-Discovery

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You’re unhappy. You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells. Your life isn’t where you want it to be, and you can’t help but wonder, “Is this all there is?!” On your wedding day, amidst the flurry of excitement and anticipation, there’s an overwhelming sense of joy and hope for the future. As you stand before your partner, exchanging vows and promising to love and cherish each other for a lifetime, thoughts of divorce or the possibility of your partner becoming unrecognizable are far from your mind. The day is filled with promises of forever, dreams of a shared future, and the belief that love conquers all.

Little do you know, the journey ahead will test these convictions in ways you never imagined. It’s a sobering realization to look back on that day and realize how much life can change, how people can evolve, and how relationships can unravel. Yet, amidst the heartache and disillusionment, there’s also strength found in resilience and the realization that even in the face of unforeseen challenges, there’s always the possibility of healing and growth.

Marrying someone you believe is a wonderful partner and envisioning a life filled with support, love, and shared responsibilities is a dream many of us hold dear. I, too, embarked on this journey with a man I thought embodied those qualities—a great man who would not only be my rock but also an involved and caring father to our future children. However, as time unfolded, I began to see glimpses of a darker truth hidden beneath the facade.

What I mistook for confidence was actually an insatiable need for admiration. What I thought was assertiveness was, in reality, manipulation to maintain control. As the veil of illusion lifted, I discovered that the person I had married was a narcissist—a master of deception whose self-serving tendencies overshadowed any genuine care or concern. The realization was a devastating blow, shattering the image I had held dear and leaving me to grapple with the harsh reality of a relationship built on lies and manipulation. These manipulations ranged from financial control to emotional abuse, leaving me feeling powerless and trapped.

Staying in a dysfunctional marriage can be hell for many reasons. You feel like you’re living a lie. I started to feel like that more than ever about two summers ago. I realized that living the way I was living wasn’t what I wanted…the environment wasn’t healthy for me or the kids. I was teaching the kids that this relationship, our relationship, was what relationships should look like. But it is absolutely not the kind of relationship they should hope to have in the future.

At the same time, it’s daunting and intimidating to think about turning your life upside down. And you’re not just turning your life upside down, but you’re turning your kids’ lives upside down, too. Fear begins to take over, and there are so many things to fear when you think about things. You’re afraid of devastating your kids, affording divorce lawyers, and worrying about your finances. On some level, you’re embarrassed that you let things go for so long. But staying in this unhappy marriage is unhealthy and stressful. You’d be surprised by how much being in a lousy marriage affects your health and well-being.

Because divorce is a big decision, it can leave you feeling sick to your stomach; believe me, I’d know! What if this is a mistake; you don’t want to make this kind of mistake. This decision could be a colossal mistake; so, instead, you do nothing and keep on riding things out. You tell yourself, ‘I’ll just wait until the time is right’; ‘I’ll know when it truly is time.’ But the truth is, you’re stuck.

The problem with doing nothing – staying in a difficult marriage just because you’re not sure if you’re ready to get a divorce – can be disastrous. Being in this place – in limbo – takes a toll on you no matter how smart you are… staying in a bad marriage will just about kill you. Yet, through all the pain and disillusionment, I found the strength to reclaim my autonomy and protect my children from the toxic influence at home. Though the journey ahead is fraught with challenges, I am determined to break free from the chains of narcissistic abuse and create a life filled with genuine love, empathy, and authenticity.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt trapped in a dysfunctional relationship or marriage? How did you cope with the conflicting emotions and uncertainties?

How do you navigate the decision-making process when contemplating ending a relationship or marriage, especially when children are involved?

I didn’t know how to be supportive…

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About 4-5 years ago, KMM went to the Dover Skating Center for a week of summer camp. And ever since then, she has been on the Delaware Skating Academy’s artistic roller skating team. Since the day she became a member of the team, she has dreamed of competing in a roller skating competition. That dream came true over Memorial Day Weekend when she competed in the American East Coast Artistic Championship at the Rollerdome Skating Family Fun Center in Richmond, VA. KMM was given the opportunity to compete in two different events: figures and Freestyle. Figures are not one of KMM’s favorite events, but she wanted to do something she wouldn’t normally do. On the other hand, Freestyle is her thing; it is what she is most passionate about and excels at.

ROAD TRIP! KMM and I got all packed and started our journey to VA for her very first roller skating competition. Even though we drove through a horrible thunder and lightning storm, KMM and I got there in excellent time.

On Friday night, all the skaters were given scheduled practice times to get used to the rink. At this practice, KMM thought the floor design was different enough from her rink’s floor that she needed to add something new to her routine to get from one side of the floor to the other and still be on time with the music. So KMM and one of her other coaches added a piece to her routine and practiced it that way for the rest of the practice.

KMM’s two events were on Saturday – Figures first and Freestyle next. As I watched KMM practice for both events, I realized I had no idea what to do for her. I didn’t know how to support her; should I let her see me watching her skate; should I hide behind my phone as I recorded her; what do I say to her before she went on the floor each time, and what do I say to her after each event.

I was so in my head about not doing the right thing for her; she wants me, no, she needs me to get it right, but at that moment, I realized I had no idea what was the ‘right’ thing to do for her. If I didn’t say or do the right thing, would she be off her game, and entirely unfocused. SHIT! What do I do? As much as I belittled myself for not knowing what to do or say, I decided I would just ask her.

I explained to KMM that I didn’t want to be a reason for her not being in the right ‘zone’ before her FIgures and then before Freestyle. I told her I wanted to be her best support system; I wanted her to know that I loved and believed in her. I reminded KMM that I was already proud of her for being here and would be even more proud once she got out on the rink floor. I told her when it was time for her Freestyle event, she should close her eyes, get in position, thank Gamster for watching over her, and then let the music run through her and feel the music and the words.

KMM completed her first event and did pretty well, but unfortunately did not place at all. I was getting increasingly nervous waiting for the Freestyle event – KMM didn’t land a single jump during her practice sessions. I knew she wanted to earn her spot on the awards podium. And there wasn’t a thing I could do to help her get there. A few minutes before KMM entered the rink floor, I realized she was sobbing. I didn’t know what to do; should I pretend I didn’t see her sobbing? Should I go to her and find out what happened? We made eye contact, and I knew she needed me. I went to her side, hugged her, and reminded her about our pep talk earlier.

It’s now time… she is about to enter onto the rink floor to start her Freestyle to Dean Fujioka’s, History Maker. I love listening to the lyrics for this song and watching KMM skate to it. The lyrics to this song speak to what was going on with her during the last year and a half – “tired of feeling never enough.” If you knew all the ‘darkness’ that KMM had experienced during that time, you would agree – this is her song.

“There’ll be no more darkness
When you believe in yourself, you are unstoppable
Where your destiny lies, dancing on the blades
You set my heart on fire“

Each time KMM was about to do a jump, I held my breath and prayed she would nail it. And each time she did, she nailed that entire freakin’ performance. Now we would wait to see what the judges thought. When it was time for KMM’s age group to be announced, I stood there, held my breath yet again, and prayed and prayed for her to place in this event – I didn’t care if she got 3rd place; I just wanted her to get one win this weekend – her first big win!

I can’t remember the last time I stood frozen and speechless when I heard the announcer call out her number…. OMG, she got first place! And no, I didn’t embarrass either one of us, but let’s just say KMM wasn’t the only one sobbing that day!

Great Things Await…

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Over twenty five years ago I started the Wesley College chapter of my life as a college freshman. It’s hard to imagine that I have spent nearly half of my lifetime all at one place; that place being Wesley College. People joke around about having second homes, the gym or their job, but the truth of the matter is, Wesley College HAS BEEN my second home for over 25 years. And while Wesley College as I know it today will no longer exist on July 1, 2021, all of the amazing people I have met there (faculty, staff, students, alumni, etc.) and all of the memories I have from there will NEVER go away and they will carry on with me into the next chapter of my life.

My freshman year I lived in Williams hall with my high school friend JWU. Although today I am a huge proponent of getting a college education, back then I wasn’t too sure about going to college, let alone going away to college. But I was happy to be at a place that was far enough away from home and at the same time close to home as well. As a student I had only lived in Williams and Carpenter Halls, but when I first started working at Wesley, I got to know Gooding Hall all too well! The first year I worked at WC I lived in Gooding Hall. And against best practices, WC leadership changed Gooding Hall into a residence hall full of all females!!! Can you imagine having more than 50 females living together in one building?!?! While there were some girl fights here and there, it wasn’t nearly as bad as having a residence hall full of males. Poor Williams Hall took a beating back then. I can’t remember how many years the administration kept those two residence halls as single sex residence halls, but it was one year too many!

Over the course of my 20+ years working at Wesley College I held many different titles and worked with students in many different capacities. I started off in Student Affairs as a Resident Director (RD) of Gooding Hall and the Director of Student Activities (yes at the same time), then transitioned to Academic Affairs as an Assistant Director of Student Support Services, then became the Director of Disability Support Services, then the Director of Student Success & Retention until I was promoted to my final position, the Assistant Vice President of Academic Affairs. My higher ed. journey at Wesley taught me so many things about myself, others, and the world we live in (both then and now). There were many times I wanted to quit WC, curse or fight the people there for their stupidity, yet I persisted because I was always taught to never give up! Students came and spent their academic and athletic careers at WC, graduated, and moved on to the next phase of their lives. Yet the one thing that remained the same for me – the special relationships I made with each of them. The relationships I built at WC are the true definition of the “Wesley family”.

Not only has Wesley afforded me the opportunity to meet some amazing students, Wesley College also gave me my husband (KAM)! I met my husband our freshman year when he walked into my Orientation class in the building that is now known as Longwood Hall (we think it was formerly known as Bradford Hall). We quickly became friends and his friends all became my friends. Over the course of the next four years we developed a friendship that eventually turned into more. Throughout our relationship, and even now as a family of four, Wesley College remained a constant in our lives.

KAM and I spent many years after our graduation(s) at Wesley supporting the athletic programs and other student organizations’ events. While the football, women’s soccer, and men’s lacrosse team(s) will always hold a special place in our hearts, KAM and I supported all of the teams! Since the time KEM & KMM were babies they were brought to all kinds of games and student organization events. These two kids truly grew up having WC as their second home too. Two months ago when a student was interviewing me for his class assignment I found out that my kids are pretty famous! What he meant by that was that the WC kids knew they were MY kids. I couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing 🙂

While many WC students know my kids, my kids know them well too. Many of the WC students have become their older brothers or sisters and have made a tremendous impact on them. One of the older brothers reminded KEM one time he was talking back to me that “it is NEVER ok to disrespect your mother.” In fact, this older brother asked KEM if he needed to be taught some lessons :). Some WC kids pick up KMM from her elementary school when I can’t get out of work to get her myself. And they don’t just drop her off at WC, they actually walk her to my office to make sure she gets there safe and sound. They have supported both kids with their school fundraisers and supported me in my fundraising efforts for the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation.

The personal connection all of the Wesley students have made with KEM & KMM is so very special and important to both of them. This is one of the many different changes that weigh heavy on my heart and in my head. KEM is 14 years old and KMM is 10 years old and they have spent their whole lives being dragged along to a variety of different WC games or events, and that all changes on July 1st. Some of their big brothers and sisters are moving away and things will change. While change is always a good thing, this is the exact type of change that I dread. For over 20 years I have gotten used to students going home for the summer (or even staying!) and then coming back in August. Even when they graduate they always come back to Wesley to visit. But what, how, etc. will they come back; where will they go?

I haven’t even acknowledged the profound impact the Student Success & Retention (SSR) team has had on the McDermott family. Not only are they MY family, but they are also KAM’s, KEM’s and KMM’s family too! They know what KEM can and can’t eat because of his Crohn’s disease and what his favorite sport is; they know what KMM’s interests and hobbies are, even when they change on a daily basis; they know how much KAM loves to fish. K2 feel so comfortable calling or texting the SSR family if they need anything because SSR is their family too!

This might sound cocky (oh well) but the SSR team (and our cohorts in crime who know who you are) truly has kept Wesley operating smoothly and cleaned up so many messes for many years. The current SSR team is the best support system (for faculty, staff and students) that Wesley College has ever had! NO TEAM from the past could or would ever even come close to the perfection that is SSR now! DLA and I built the best SSR family Wesley College has ever had or seen. While we will always be a force to be reckoned with, we will look and be different next year. We need each other now, and after July 1, more than we have ever needed each other, but I know that we will continue to support one another, no matter what!

The Wesley home as we know it won’t exist after July 1st. And while I know that “Great Things Await” for all of us… I have prayed every day since the WC’S acquisition was announced that TOGETHER we will continue to remain WESLEY STRONG!

choosing self-care…

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I am not good at putting myself first… I am always active, in motion, and constantly doing something. My calendar is jam-packed and often overpacked (<— see I admitted it). In a previous post I already shared how hard it has been for me to get my running and workout mojo back. However, one thing I am proud of being consistent with is my (our) training sessions with Kyle, our Personal Trainer from the YMCA. Courtney and I have been working out with him for a YEAR!

When we first started, Courtney and I were only training with Kyle once a week, and just recently started to train with him twice a week. And let me tell you, it has been the best thing I have done for myself. Not only do I get to hang out with my BFF twice a week, but I get to work on me: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I never once thought that taking another workout adventure with Courtney, would lead me down a path where I started to believe that I really am stronger than I think I am and capable of more than I give myself credit for.

Kyle has this wicked, yet funny laugh, and you know when that laugh comes out, shit is about to get real. But no matter how real, hard, or heavy the next workout is… giving up or stopping is not allowed. Yes, Kyle gives us breaks if and when we need them (even if they are only for one minute), but he reminds us, “you WILL finish that rep”; anything other than that, is unacceptable. Kyle always threatens that he “will wait all day” if necessary and “you will finish this rep.” When I think something is too heavy for me or I tell myself I can’t lift it (which is more times than I would like to admit), Kyle reminds me that I AM S.T.R.O.N.G.E.R. (we are both stronger) than I think I am (we think we are).

Another activity I choose for self-care is any outside activity with the family. You see, I love doing activities with the kids, especially ones where we can go outside because I feel like I am inside ALL of the time. I love the feeling of being outside (unless it is below zero degrees!) and the smell of fresh air. With technology today, most kids – mine included – want to stay inside, watch Netflix, and chill. But when I am not at work, doing my homework, or helping K2 catch up on their schoolwork, all I want to do is get outside with them. Again, this is another method of self-care for me.

We are very lucky that our whole household has off for the holiday and don’t go back to our respective schools until January 4th. The other day I told my family that the full week between Christmas and New Year’s Day I wanted to choose a Delaware State Park to explore; I want to go walk their trail; I want to do something new and different. While they have all agreed to my plan, I think I am the only person so far who has started to look at what parks I want to explore. The photos below are when we all ventured outside after the stay at home quarantine was lifted in the spring. We rode bikes along the C&D Canal and had such a great time.

What do you do for self-care? What will you do this holiday to slow down, or take a break? Hopefully I haven’t created too much of a To Do List for us… 🙂

trouble getting started…

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A year ago, I broke my foot and was determined more than ever to not let KEM, my Philly Team Challenge family, or myself down and run the Vegas Half Marathon anyway in honor of KEM and his fight against Crohn’s Disease (the race was just 3 weeks after breaking up with that boot/cast).  And while it wasn’t my best work, I showed up and did it. It feels like that was the last time I showed up for something and felt a feeling of accomplishment.

Then the holidays came around and that is always a whirlwind time because I try to get in as much family time in as I possibly can.  But this past year, the holidays were different.  It was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Gammy (or Gamster as my kids called her).  While Gammy made going to the grocery store special and exciting, she always brought this magical feeling to holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter were always the best holidays… and all of my childhood memories come from celebrating them with her and the rest of my family.

Last Thanksgiving many of our family members decided to travel out to Ohio to see my uncle, others stayed local, and some crazy folks who will remain nameless, decided to get Thanksgiving dinner from a restaurant (LOL)!  Then Christmas came and went. And while we got together, it was just really weird.  You see Gammy was always the reason we all got together for the holidays.  She created many, if not all of the traditions we follow now.  But that Christmas just seemed really different… a little part of the magical feeling wasn’t there. Yet we celebrated the holidays and made it a point to keep her spirit entwined in everything we did.  

Then COVID hit and I feel like the whole world changed even more.  I was already feeling the effects of seasonal effective disorder setting in and then we all had to deal with the world shutting down and all of our kids being forced to go remote for school.  It was about this time that I started to recognize the slump I was falling into and found myself struggling to climb out.  The kids and their father (a teacher) were all home trying to teach and learn in a new way that we didn’t quite expect to last as long as it has lasted.  And I was going to into work trying my best to keep things afloat there and provide some kind of schedule for myself.  I really thought that if I could just get my groove (routine) back that I would start to feel better and get the motivation to get back to doing the things I love again.  But to be honest, it has been a huge struggle for me.  I am so good at doing, thinking, and taking care of others.  But I am TERRIBLE at taking care of myself.  

If you really know me, you know that I don’t mind getting up at 3:30am to go for a run; I am also the same person who will be in bed no later than 10pm.  But once COVID hit, everything changed. Nine months later, I am still struggling to get that part of my life back.  Now I stay up later than I should; I oversleep (by my terms); I barely, if not ever, run; and I am struggling… with all of this.  Please know that I recognize that me and my family are all very lucky and many people have lost so much. But, I am losing in a different way right here and now.

And while I struggle with the loss of time, effort, and energy to run or workout like usual (a huge part of my mental health), I am also starting to feel extreme guilt and anxiety in other areas of my life.  I feel like I never have enough time for myself, my husband, my kids, my siblings and parents, my family members, friends, schoolwork, work, etc.  I feel like each time I focus on one thing I end up ignoring someone or something else.  I feel like every time I turn around, I am letting someone else down, or missing out on an activity, a task or homework assignment.  Text messages, phone calls, voicemails, emails, and even mail start to build up and get ignored because I struggle to figure out where to start first. I feel like there is always something to do and never enough time to do it. Then I take a moment to stop and really see K2’s faces and feel like I somehow have disappointed them too; and for what,  I am not even sure.  

A wise person once told me that I can’t be the best version of myself, until I take care of myself.  I have to clean my own house.  And that means that I have to make a commitment to do things that I love doing, even if I only get to do it one out of two times.  The hardest part is always getting started… 

COVID holidays…

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Earlier this week I found myself in a very silly text conversation with my mom and sister. I started the conversation off with a random text to both of them saying, “soooo Kevin and I don’t know how to do Thanksgiving. We’ve never not traveled…” My sister responded, “as in you don’t know how to cook it or you don’t know what you should do this year?” I instantly thought to myself, “of course I don’t know how to cook it; I am a vegetarian and have never actually cooked a turkey in my life”, but that wasn’t quite what I meant.

I responded to the group text reminding them that we (me, husband, and K2) have always traveled for Thanksgiving. When Kevin and I got married we agreed that we would rotate holidays each year with each other’s family. So every major holiday, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, we get in the car and travel to PA or NY. Then my smartass sister texted back and said, “well to not travel, you just stay home”. Then I found myself back at the starting point of my initial text to both of them. We don’t know how to do Thanksgiving… ALONE! I know I don’t know how to “do” holidays alone and I know neither do K2.

While COVID has wrecked havoc on both sides of Kevin’s and my family, it has not affected us nearly as bad as others have been affected. Believe me when I say, we are so very grateful that haven’t experienced some of the significant loss that others have experienced since COVID hit last spring. In fact, dare I say that while others have lost so much, we have actually been spared and given many blessings. During COVID we have welcomed several little babes to the extended family, sold our house in a matter of 3 days, found an amazing new home, and spent quality time (after the travel bans were lifted) vacationing and socially distancing with my family.

But as I sit here on Halloween, I once again find myself feeling out of sorts with this new way of living, especially as it relates to family events and holidays. I still haven’t quite expected this new normal and not sure I ever will be able to accept it. You see, we as a family of 4, have always gone out trick or treating together, or stayed at home and passed out candy to the neighborhood kids and enjoyed making them say “trick or treat” to get candy. But as much as we wanted to finally meet the neighbors who live in our new development, we found ourselves not participating in Halloween and instead apart from each other.

KMM was lucky enough to spend quality bonding time down at one of the Delaware beaches with her roller skating team and coaches. They all dressed up and I am sure are getting their fill of candy! Kevin went fishing for a bit and KEM and I took an early night stroll through Killen’s Pond State Park. After our walk through Killen’s Pond we took a drive down to the sweetFrog Store down in Rehoboth Beach for dinner and dessert. That is the one frozen yogurt store that doesn’t set him off into a Crohn’s flare.

And even though I had an amazing time with my teenage son who is always too cool to hang out with me these days, I sat there wondering if this is what the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays would be like (and not because I don’t want to cook!). Holidays are ALWAYS a major family event for us. We sit around and eat, drink, and share stories and memories about our current lives or the “good ‘ole days”. But most of all, we spend time with our family.

I know the world we live in right now is different, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I miss my family, I miss the traditions that Gammy Fran passed along to all of us. And I am fearful as the COVID holidays continue, that many of those traditions will be so altered that we will find it difficult to get back to our normal, traditional, family affairs.

trying to balance it all…

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Are you a working mom?  Are you a homeschool teacher & mom?  Are you struggling to balance your work, your kids’ work, take care of yourself, your partner, and your house, all at the same time?  I sure am trying to do it all, but I am failing miserably at all of the above.  I shouldn’t really say I am failing because everything is a work in progress, but I just don’t feel like I am doing well at one particular thing or area.  What is the secret to successfully balancing it all?  I guess the reality is… there’s no secret.  It’s all so damn hard!

Yes, the college I work at is closed to those not considered essential, and all classes and services have moved online, but my position is a 12-month position.  That means I have to work all summer.  There are programs, events, services, and other work that needs to be done.  And now that everything is online, everything seems to be that much harder.  But thankfully, the people in my department are all hardworking, kindhearted, and supportive.  We are doing everything in our power to keep supporting the students, the faculty, and the staff both on and off-campus.  And, in between doing all of that, we are working on completing our 10 page departmental Summer To-Do List.

Moreover, I have found it hard to get all of my work done during the day in between all the Zoom and Teams meetings.  And for those of us still considered essential personnel, we are the kind of people who thrive on interaction with others.  We want to talk to each other when we come across others in their space.  So, completing your work for the day can be difficult.  Just because students aren’t living on campus in the summertime, doesn’t always mean we are able to get massive amounts of work done in a day.  Plus we have several students both on and off-campus who don’t have a central home to go home to, so they have stayed on campus or in their off-campus apartments.

In between my Zoom and Teams meetings, and the work that needs to be done that day, there are still two kids at home who are relying on me and their father to help guide and support them with their school assignments, zoom classes, etc.  YES, the kids are old enough and capable of doing some of the work on their own, but they are still children and they need direction and intervention.  I am so thankful that I don’t teach classes anymore (not that I taught in the summer anyway), there would be no way K2, KAM, and I would be able to manage all of that at home, in the same space, and all on the WiFi together.

And just when I begin to think, there is an end in sight, I look at K2’s school calendar and find that they don’t finish school until the end of June.  I just don’t know how much longer any of us can keep doing this.  The school work they are being taught now is all brand NEW material.  KMM is in Spanish Immersion and my Spanish is only as good as Google Translate.  KEM is in 7th grade and has 4 subjects to work on.  There is no way teachers can glean from a virtual class session, in 60 minutes, that the kids are lost.  Kids at both of their ages should not have to be teaching themselves.  Then add in the curveball of the Common Core!  KAM and I are not stupid; we have a total of 4 degrees between the two of us.  We can barely understand how K2 do Common Core math, and now we need to figure out how to help them.

Could things be worse?  Yes, they could be much worse.

Are we lucky to be in the situation we are in with both of us having a job and having a consistent income?  Yes, of course.

But, that doesn’t make anything any easier on the kids, me, or their father.

And ever since COVID-19 hit the United States, I find myself praying every single day that there will be a resolution to all of this… and soon.

 

how did I get here???

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When I sit down with a student, I find myself asking questions that I think will help us both ‘right the ship so to speak’.  Some questions I ask are “How do you think you got IMG_2908here”?; “What specifically happened or contributed to your current situation”?; “What are some steps you can take to BETTER your current situation”?

Sometimes students do not know the answers right away and need additional coaxing or questioning to get to the answers.  I tell students they can’t go back and change the steps they took that resulted with them being in the specific predicament they’re in now.  But they can learn from those consequences or mistakes and carry them into each new choice they make moving forward.

Ironically, I find myself in a similar position and am asking myself SIMILAR questions.  If someone sat me down right now and asked me those questions, I would be able to offer several answers to explain my current circumstance(s).  I don’t need additional prompting or questioning to help figure out which steps or decisions I made that led me to this point.  I don’t need it because I’m already aware of several choices I made that led me to where I am now.  I already know too that I can’t go back and change those mistakes.  I can only move forward and try to make better choices and decisions now.  Use the lessons I have learned from the past and try to do and be better.  But the hardest challenge for me is that not only do I have to think about the consequences of my choices personally, but I have to think about how they affected my family.

And no, I may not have been thinking about how my choices might affect my family back then, in the moment, but that is something I will have to live with.  I choose now to live in the present day.  I choose to not dwell on the past or those choices or mistakes.  I have to focus on what can I do right here, right now.  What is it that I need to do right now to be the best version of life for my family?!

I learned as a child, growing up in a Catholic Church, that it is normal to make mistakes (sin) because we are only human and often fallible.  What matters is that we ask for forgiveness and make changes to those ‘sinful’ behaviors, or learn from those mistakes, so as to not do them again.  And sometimes we don’t learn from those mistakes the first or second time; maybe we don’t learn from those mistakes until the fourth time.

But the point is that the a lesson has been learned, and changes have been implemented.  On the other hand, sometimes the changes that need to be implemented come a little too late.  Of course, that isn’t a good thing, because implementing the change is too late and the damage has already been done.  But, do you sit down and let life stay in that damaging moment?  Or do you move forward and work to be better?

It is ok to move on from situations that no longer provide you with valuable lessons.  Maybe you have exhausted all possible avenues to take in order to rectify the situation.  Maybe it is ok to decide to take a new path because this one has been traveled for too long.   And sometimes, maybe it is ok to give up and/or walk away…

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smell the flowers… see the colors…

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Kane being silly after drinking his cup of “silly juice”.

I am not a big fan of doctors.  I don’t have anything against them, I just usually find going to them to be anxiety producing.  I especially don’t like having procedures done when they have to put me to sleep.  Don’t get me wrong, I would much rather get put to sleep for the procedure than be wide awake, but knowing I am getting medication to be put to sleep scares the bejesus out of me.  This utter fear quadruples when it is one of my children who gets put to sleep.  I turn into a basket case from the moment the nurses give them the “silly juice” to calm them down until I get back to the recovery room with them after the procedure has finished.  Does anyone else with they could place an order for their own “silly juice”?  I need that “silly juice” for when the nurses finally wheel my kid away to the surgical room.

Last Friday the weather was perfect to sit in the outside garden waiting area at Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital’s.  I waited for an hour and a half for Kane’s doctors to come back to share their findings with me.  The sunshine was shining and there was a slight breeze.  It was very refreshing and exactly what I needed while I was waiting.  As I sat outside checking my work emails, texting friends and family, and watching the clock I realized a little more time than anticipated had passed by, so of course I started to get more anxious.

Yes, I tend to go from zero to a thousand but I already didn’t have great feelings going into this appointment so I started to panic a little bit more.  Then I remembered how Kane gently kicked me in the pre-op room before they took him back.  He is very aware and probably knows me a little too well and recognizes when I start to panic.  So as I sat there I started to slow down my breathing and look around at the flowers in the garden to see what colors surrounded me.  “Smell the roses” (flowers); “look at the colors”; this is what I tell all my students to do when they get anxious or stressed out.  I knew I needed to take my own advice.

Then the doctors finally came out.  I knew by the look on their faces that things had changed.  They sat down on either side of me and started showing me the photos they were able to take.  I realized at times I wasn’t listening very well.  All I could see were the number of ulcers in the photos.  I knew then for certain that our “normal “was going to change drastically.

To make a long story short, the number of ulcers inside his intestines and his colon increased significantly, as did the damage they were doing.  Drastic measures needed to be taken in his treatment plan.  The doctors told me they took several biopsies and we would get those results in a little over a week.  Clean eating, Boost plus, and Pentasa was no longer an optimal treatment plan for us.  We discussed briefly the options of Remicade IV infusions or Humira injections.  After the induction phase (6-8 weeks) for whichever treatment plan we chose we could then move toward “home” treatments.  This means we would either all get trained to administer shots to Kane OR he would be able to get home infusions.

I knew that eventually Kane’s Crohn’s disease would get worse.  This was always going to the next treatment plan for him.  I just truly believed we would have more time before it came to this.  I thought we had at least 3 more years before we had to take the next step toward a more intense treatment plan.  But we don’t have anymore time.

I could be a mess and let the fear of the unknown take over my thoughts, but I refuse to do that.  I KNOW Kane is still much better off than other kids his age; his organs are still intact.    After he woke up from his anesthesia I had to tell him the results.  He kept asking what he was doing wrong and saying this wasn’t fair.  And he’s right, this isn’t fair, but this is life and it isn’t always fair.  We have to make the best of the life we have.  Yes, his feelings and fears are valid.  I too share those same feelings and fears.  But what keeps me going is knowing that we will overcome this new challenge and get him healthy again.  We’ll do it… TOGETHER!