Rebuilding Trust

by

“The mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it’s calm, everything becomes clear. ” — Mahes Prasad

The Struggle to Trust Again

Coming out of an abusive relationship—whether emotional, mental, or physical—leaves deep wounds that don’t simply heal with time. One of the most profound and lasting effects is the complete erosion of trust. But the loss of trust doesn’t just apply to others—it starts within.

Trying to heal and move on is like trying to walk through waist-deep quicksand. Every effort to pull yourself up is met with resistance, dragging you back down. You try to move forward, but the weight of past trauma makes each step exhausting. Just when you think you’re making progress, something or someone destabilizes you. This makes you question if you’ll ever be free from it.

When you’ve been manipulated, gaslit, and broken down for so long, you stop trusting yourself first. You question your own judgment, your perceptions, and your instincts. You wonder if you misread the situation, if you imagined the good parts, if you overreacted to the bad. If you can’t even trust yourself, how can you possibly trust anyone else?

The Emotional Disconnect

And people just aren’t kind these days. They tell you one thing one day and something entirely different the next. The “I love yous” turn into “feelings change.” The “most important friendship/relationship” suddenly becomes, “Well, my very close friends know that I’m like this,” when you thought you were one of them. You pour your heart out. You hope for clarity. Instead, you receive a cold, detached “It’s not about you, it’s just where my mind is at.” But that doesn’t help when all you want is to understand. You want to heal. You want to be better so you can move forward whole instead of in pieces.

And the damage doesn’t stop when the relationship does. You tell someone where your mind is. You express how broken you feel. You share how much trust has already been shattered. Yet, they continue to be intimate with you. The wounds deepen. It feels like another betrayal layered on top of the first. The hope that maybe this time will be different is crushed under the weight of the same patterns repeating themselves.

Rebuilding trust—especially in yourself—is a brutal, uphill battle. Each small step forward is progress. But until that happens, the ability to trust others remains out of reach. It’s not just about learning to believe in others again—it’s about first learning to believe in yourself. Each moment of self-trust regained is a victory. I know I have to accept the imperfections, the stumbles, the setbacks. I know I’m striving for progress, not perfection. But right now, it’s hard. Right now, it feels impossible. Because trust, once broken over and over again, feels like something I’ll never have again—not in others, and certainly not in myself.

The Way They Love—And Why It’s Not Enough

Some people process emotions differently than I do. While I seek deep emotional connection, reassurance, and closure, others may struggle to engage with feelings in the same way. They probably struggle with emotional depth in the way I need it. They’re known for being independent, emotionally detached, and sometimes even unpredictable. They can be incredibly loyal and caring in their own way. However, that way often lacks deep emotional connection. It also lacks the validation that someone like me, who has been through so much, desperately craves.

They intellectualize emotions rather than feeling them fully, which makes conversations about feelings frustrating and one-sided. When I’m drowning in emotions, searching for understanding, their response might be distant, logical, or vague—”It’s not about you, it’s just where my mind is.” They compartmentalize emotions so they don’t have to deal with them in real-time, leaving me stuck in a cycle of needing closure while they have already moved on.

And that’s where the breakdown happens. I need emotional reassurance, raw honesty, and presence, but they often communicate in a way that feels cold and distant. Maybe they don’t mean to hurt me, but their natural instinct to detach and prioritize their own mental space over emotional intensity is exactly why I feel abandoned, confused, and unable to fully trust again.

The Long Road to Healing

I don’t know how to rebuild that trust. Some days, I think I have a plan—I think I know the steps I need to take. But then, out of nowhere, I’m drowning again, flailing in deep water while people stand on the edge, watching, telling me, “It’s not about you, it’s about me.” Of course, therapy helps, but life doesn’t pause for healing. Responsibilities come first—work, family, survival. Before I know it, days or weeks pass. I’ve forgotten to work on everything I was supposed to be working on from therapy.

And having a friend who tells me that our relationship is important to them, yet only ever communicating through text, doesn’t help either. Because through a screen, there’s no body language to read, no tone of voice to decipher sincerity. I can’t tell if they’re being honest. I can’t tell if they truly care. I can’t tell if they’re just saying what they think they should say. And every day we communicate like this, it chips away at me a little more—because I am desperate for closure, for clarity, for something solid to hold onto. But they won’t give it to me. Maybe they can’t give it to me.

Some people move on faster. They don’t get emotionally stuck in the past. They rationalize, compartmentalize, and detach. Meanwhile, I sit with my emotions, letting them wash over me, needing to process them fully before I can move forward. And that’s where the conflict lies—not in bad intentions, but in fundamentally different ways of experiencing emotions and relationships.

Conclusion

It’s messy, painful, and exhausting to heal from deep betrayal and broken trust. Some days, it feels like progress is being made—like I can take another step forward because the weight is lifting. Other days, I feel like I’m drowning again, trying for stability that never comes. But I’m learning that healing isn’t about waiting for others to provide closure, validation, or reassurance. The goal is to trust myself again, little by little, no matter how hard it seems. I have to accept that I may never get the answers I want. I need to understand that people won’t always show up the way I need them to. And I have to figure things out on my own. It’s possible trust won’t be the same as it used to be—but I keep trying. Slowly, I’ll rebuild.

Resources for Help and Support

If you are struggling with the effects of emotional, mental, or physical abuse, know that you are not alone. Healing takes time, and seeking help is a crucial step in your journey. The importance of these resources cannot be overstated; they provide vital support, guidance, and reassurance that you deserve.

These connections with organizations and hotlines provide you a safe space. You can talk about your experiences and access professional help. They also help you find community support. Remember, reaching out is a sign of strength. You deserve to heal with the assistance of those who understand and can help. Below are some essential resources available to you:

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 (thehotline.org)
  • Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 support
  • RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) – Call 800-656-HOPE (rainn.org)
  • The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ support) – Call 866-488-7386 or text “START” to 678678 (thetrevorproject.org)
  • BetterHelp – Online therapy resources (betterhelp.com)
  • Love is Respect (teen and young adult relationship support) – Call 866-331-9474 or text “LOVEIS” to 22522 (loveisrespect.org)

Healing takes time, and it’s okay to need support. Just remember: you are worthy of trust, love, and understanding—starting with yourself.

Questions for Reflection

  • Have you ever experienced a situation like the one described here? How did it affect your ability to trust yourself and others?
  • What steps did you take to rebuild your trust after an emotionally challenging experience?
  • How have your relationships changed as you worked through your struggles with trust?

18 Years of Love, Laughter, and Life Lessons

by

Hey there, bruh.

It feels like just yesterday you were a tiny bundle of joy, and now you’re this towering man-child who keeps raiding my fridge. Where did the time go? How are you 18 already? If I had my way, you’d stay my little boy forever – or at least until you learn to do laundry without turning everything pink.

We’ve come a long way, from the “Love You Forever” book to you explaining why my music taste is “trash.” (For the record, the 90s were awesome, and they’re coming back.)

I may not always understand your choices, but I’ll always support you. Remember that time you decided to “paint” the cream-colored carpet with red nail polish? Or when you thought Vaseline was a good hair product? Even in those crazy moments, my love never wavered. It just evolved to include a newfound appreciation for cleaning supplies.

You’re the first best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, finding that $100 bill was nice, but you’re like hitting the emotional jackpot every day. You gave my life a purpose I never knew I needed. Every achievement, every heartbreak, every weird phase – I’ve been there, cheering you on, holding you up, and occasionally facepalming. But always, always loving you.

Above all, you’ve grown into an incredible person who’s kind, gentle, and loyal. Your ability to care for others and your unwavering loyalty to your friends and family never ceases to amaze me. Some people might not get you, but you know what, F’ them. Keep being the amazing person you are.

As you step into this new phase of life, remember that I’ll always be here—your biggest fan, your unwavering support, and the one person who’ll never stop believing in your endless potential.

Life will throw its share of challenges your way, but I know you have the strength, heart, and resilience to face them head-on. Keep pushing forward, take risks, be brave, and never lose that unique spark that makes you, you. You’ve got this; I can’t wait to see all the incredible things you’ll accomplish.

Here’s to you. May your adulthood be as amazing as you are.

Love you to infinity & beyond,
Your proud, emotional, and only slightly teary-eyed Mom

P.S. Being 18 doesn’t get you out of chores. Nice try, though!

Cj0KMVNuYXBjaGF0LzEzLjguMC40NyAoaVBob25lMTUsNDsgaU9TIDE3LjYuMTsgZ3ppcCkSBpLIqovbASAB

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Post-Divorce Motherhood

by

The “Opportunity” of Solo Parenting

Well, folks, let me tell ya, nothing screams “personal growth opportunity,” like a recent divorce and the joyous task of solo parenting two teenagers. If you’re imagining quiet family dinners and peaceful Sunday mornings, you’re either delusional or heavily medicated. The good news? I’m still standing, and so are the kids.

Welcome to the Battlefield

The bad news? We’re standing in the middle of a battlefield where the WiFi is patchy, and everyone’s favorite coping mechanism seems to be slamming doors or seeing who can scream the loudest. Add in the soundtrack of constant bickering and the occasional melodramatic outburst, and you’ve got yourself a reality show no one would voluntarily watch.

The Sweet Taste of Freedom (Sort of)

First up, the good stuff. Freedom. Sweet, unadulterated ‘freedom’. No more picking up dishes or clothes that aren’t yours or pretending to enjoy your ex’s hobbies. I get to eat ice cream for dinner if I want, and the remote is mine — all mine! If I want to watch back-to-back episodes of Vanderpump Rules, well, dammit, I’m gonna do it!

Reality Check: The Solo Mission

But then reality smacks you upside the head with the realization that ‘freedom’ also means being the sole person responsible for keeping two human beings alive, educated, and somewhat socially acceptable. That ‘freedom’ suddenly feels more like a mildly terrifying solo mission. Turns out, the remote isn’t that great when it’s just playing constant reruns of “Mom, where’s my…?”, “Mom, I need a ride to…” and “Mom, I need money for…” episodes. And let’s not forget the thrilling plot twists of surprise school projects and forgotten dentist or therapy appointments.

Teenagers: The Bad and the Ugly

Now, let’s dive into the bad. Suddenly, I’m both mom and dad, referee and cheerleader. My to-do list never ends, and “me time” becomes as mythical as a unicorn. And then…. there’s teenagers. Specifically, my 17-year-old and 13-year-old who have turned the art of eye-rolling and passive-aggressive silence into an Olympic sport. If you thought handling one moody teen was a challenge, try doing it with two while navigating the aftermath of a toxic divorce. They’re like tiny, hormonal judges, silently critiquing my every move, reminding me daily that I’m awful or such a bad mom.

Teenagers: The Ultimate Reality Check

Oh, and let’s not forget about the hard truth: My 17-year-old thinks he knows everything, and my 13-year-old is convinced I’m her bro who knows so much more than me. Ohhh, AND she is the most perfect daughter in the whole world <– she told me to write that. I couldn’t possibly know what I’m talking about.

The Epic Struggle of Wills

Every day is a battle of wills, and I’m just trying to make it through without losing my shit. Every decision is met with a sigh that could power a freaking wind turbine, and I’ve given up on trying to remember what a normal conversation sounds like. Oh, and let’s not even talk about the perpetual state of their rooms, which resemble post-apocalyptic wastelands more than living spaces (I take that back; it’s really only the 17-year-old’s room; her room isn’t too bad).

Embracing the Dumpster Fire: Facing Ugly Truths

Now, let’s not forget the ugly. There’s a special kind of ugly that comes with a bad divorce. It’s the late-night panic attacks, the financial strain, and the emotional baggage that refuses to check itself at the door. And there’s nothing quite like the thrill of discovering that your ex has decided to be the “fun parent,” leaving you to be the disciplinarian, homework enforcer, secretary, Uber driver, and general buzzkill. It’s a role that comes with zero applause and a lot of complaints, under their breath, of course, about how unfair life is.

Juggling Flaming Chainsaws and Dodging Gossip

Meanwhile, I’m over here juggling bills like a circus performer and trying to remember what a full night’s sleep feels like. And the cherry on top? The delightful gossip from well-meaning acquaintances who always have unsolicited advice on how you’re doing it all wrong, or better yet, those who don’t even acknowledge your existence in public. (That’s ok because I know the truth, and so do the kids, and really, that’s all the matters to us/me.)

The Hard Part Nobody Tells You About

The hardest part? The loneliness. Oh sure, people warn you about the financial struggles and the emotional toll, but they don’t mention the crushing isolation of being the one who has to hold it all together. I am the default parent, therapist, and personal assistant to two mini-dictators who somehow know exactly how to push every button I didn’t even know I had.

Surviving the Endless Nights

The nights stretch out like an endless desert, with only Netflix (and the occasional alcoholic drink) to keep me company. Sometimes, the highlight of my week is a text from a friend making sure I’m still alive. And let’s not forget that navigating an identity crisis as a single mom with teens feels like trying to find my way out of a corn maze while everyone else uses the GPS they got for a wedding gift.

Honesty: The Best Policy (But Only Sometimes)

Let’s end with some brutal honesty. Despite the chaos, the resentment, and the all too frequent feelings of inadequacy, there’s a raw, unfiltered truth to this experience that’s oddly empowering. Yes, it sucks most of the time… a lot of the time. But there’s a resilience that comes from surviving the storm, from finding strength you didn’t know you had.

Finding Resilience in Chaos

It’s about finding small victories in the madness, like when the 17-year-old gives you a rare, unsolicited hug or actually cleans his room, or the 13-year-old doesn’t immediately go to her room once she enters the house. So here’s to us—the imperfect, exhausted, occasionally sarcastic warriors of post-divorce motherhood. Cheers.

Here are some single-parent strategies that I have collected from various articles, blogs, etc., over the last year. Keep in mind that these are things I struggle with by the minute.

  1. Create a Support Network: Build a strong support system by connecting with friends, family, or support groups for single parents. Having people to talk to and rely on can help alleviate the feelings of loneliness and provide practical assistance when needed.

  2. Establish Routines and Boundaries: Set clear routines and boundaries to create a sense of stability for both you and your teenagers. Consistent schedules for meals, homework, and chores can help manage expectations and reduce chaos.

  3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being by carving out time for self-care activities, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk, or enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, small moments of self-care can significantly improve your mental health and resilience.

Drowning in Support Overload

by

Going through a high-conflict divorce with a narcissistic partner can feel like navigating a stormy sea with no compass. As if the emotional turmoil weren’t enough, the added pressure of managing friendships and support networks can become overwhelming. For me, losing friends wasn’t the primary struggle; it was the influx of well-meaning individuals offering their support that left me feeling like I was drowning. Phone calls and text messages poured in by the dozens, and I simply couldn’t keep up. Every ping felt like another wave crashing over me, pulling me further from the surface.

The constant abuse and emotional manipulation from my ex-husband has left my mind distorted and confused, causing me to doubt my own self-worth. The last several years’ worth of experiences continue to haunt me, leaving me with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Even today, I find myself questioning my worth and second-guessing every move I make. I question every decision, every interaction, every aspect of my life.

The continual second-guessing of my decisions has affected my role as a parent, casting doubt on my ability to provide for and nurture my children. This self-doubt often leads to moments of hesitation and uncertainty, hindering my confidence in guiding and supporting them through life’s challenges. The journey of healing and moving forward feels like an uphill battle every day, especially as I navigate the complexities of being a single parent to both a teenager and a tween. Simple tasks that once seemed manageable now feel daunting, and the weight of responsibility often feels overwhelming, making it challenging to function in the way I used to.

Communication became a challenge; I couldn’t bring myself to be open and honest with my friends about what I was going through. The strain extended to my family, who were once my pillars of support. But as the chaos of the divorce consumed me, their presence faded, leaving me feeling isolated and alone. The trauma of the divorce has cast a long shadow over my life, making it difficult to reach out to those I’ve unintentionally distanced myself from, even today. I never imagined I would face such overwhelming challenges. Navigating through this turmoil has been uncharted territory for me, leaving me feeling lost and unsure of how to move forward.

Despite the outpouring of support, I found myself withdrawing further into myself. Instead of leaning on my support network, I shut down, avoiding calls and messages. Even my family, who lived a mere hundred miles away, seemed out of reach. The expectation for me to reach out for help only adds to my sense of isolation. It seemed easier to retreat into solitude, even as I longed for connection. The isolation took its toll, fracturing even the closest of relationships. Some family members, once my most important confidantes and closest allies haven’t spoken to me in months. The silence echoes louder than any words could, leaving me to wonder what I have done wrong. And as accusations about my parenting skills were hurled my way, I struggled to find solid ground.

In the midst of the chaos, I long for understanding. I want to tell my friends I appreciate their support, even though I withdrew from it. I want them to know that it wasn’t them; it was me—a mess of emotions and insecurities trying to find my way through the storm. The weight of the divorce has rendered me passive, unable to muster the courage to reach out to the friends I’ve distanced myself from. I am consumed by embarrassment and shame. I never anticipated being in a position where I would struggle to reconnect and apologize, grappling with fear of rejection and judgment. And though the journey ahead remains uncertain, I hold onto hope that with time and healing, I can emerge from the darkness and reclaim my life.

Reflective Questions: Sparking Thought and Connection

Have you ever experienced feelings of isolation or withdrawal during a challenging period in your life, such as a high-conflict divorce? How did you cope with these emotions?

How do you balance the need for support from friends and family with the overwhelming pressure and chaos of a difficult situation like navigating a divorce with a narcissistic partner?

Reflecting on your own experiences or those shared in the blog post, what strategies have you found helpful in maintaining communication and connection with your support network during times of crisis?

Can you relate to the struggle of being unable to be honest with friends and family about your challenges? How do you navigate these feelings of vulnerability and fear of judgment?

Expert Guidance: Family Therapists’ Strategies

A high-conflict divorce requires more than seeking professional help, setting boundaries, and gradually reconnecting with support networks. In my search for advice on how to cope with the complex challenges of a high-conflict divorce, I came across three therapists who provide practical tools for coping. According to Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, managing emotions constructively is crucial. Rather than ignoring anger, hurt, or betrayal, we need to actively seek healthier outlets for processing these emotions. Exercise, meditation, and journaling are some of these outlets. I’ve been working on two of Dr. Heitler’s three outlets.

Marriage therapist Dr. Martha Lee also stresses the importance of reframing perspectives. Instead of focusing solely on conflict and resentment, look for opportunities for growth and gratitude. Also, focusing on the well-being of any children involved is crucial. During family counseling, we have worked with our therapist to reaffirm our relationship as one team, as one unit. We also learned strategies for dealing with each other’s needs and responsibilities. Our team is still working on all of this, but we are now all committed to finding ways to work together.

According to Dr. Peter Pearson, a couples therapist, children need a stable and nurturing environment to be protected from parental conflict. The best way to accomplish this is to establish consistent routines, encourage open communication, and emphasize love and support. While navigating a high-conflict divorce can be difficult, incorporating these insights into your coping strategies can empower you and help foster resilience.

Unveiling the Illusion: Navigating the Realities of Marriage, Narcissism, & Self-Discovery

by

You’re unhappy. You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells. Your life isn’t where you want it to be, and you can’t help but wonder, “Is this all there is?!” On your wedding day, amidst the flurry of excitement and anticipation, there’s an overwhelming sense of joy and hope for the future. As you stand before your partner, exchanging vows and promising to love and cherish each other for a lifetime, thoughts of divorce or the possibility of your partner becoming unrecognizable are far from your mind. The day is filled with promises of forever, dreams of a shared future, and the belief that love conquers all.

Little do you know, the journey ahead will test these convictions in ways you never imagined. It’s a sobering realization to look back on that day and realize how much life can change, how people can evolve, and how relationships can unravel. Yet, amidst the heartache and disillusionment, there’s also strength found in resilience and the realization that even in the face of unforeseen challenges, there’s always the possibility of healing and growth.

Marrying someone you believe is a wonderful partner and envisioning a life filled with support, love, and shared responsibilities is a dream many of us hold dear. I, too, embarked on this journey with a man I thought embodied those qualities—a great man who would not only be my rock but also an involved and caring father to our future children. However, as time unfolded, I began to see glimpses of a darker truth hidden beneath the facade.

What I mistook for confidence was actually an insatiable need for admiration. What I thought was assertiveness was, in reality, manipulation to maintain control. As the veil of illusion lifted, I discovered that the person I had married was a narcissist—a master of deception whose self-serving tendencies overshadowed any genuine care or concern. The realization was a devastating blow, shattering the image I had held dear and leaving me to grapple with the harsh reality of a relationship built on lies and manipulation. These manipulations ranged from financial control to emotional abuse, leaving me feeling powerless and trapped.

Staying in a dysfunctional marriage can be hell for many reasons. You feel like you’re living a lie. I started to feel like that more than ever about two summers ago. I realized that living the way I was living wasn’t what I wanted…the environment wasn’t healthy for me or the kids. I was teaching the kids that this relationship, our relationship, was what relationships should look like. But it is absolutely not the kind of relationship they should hope to have in the future.

At the same time, it’s daunting and intimidating to think about turning your life upside down. And you’re not just turning your life upside down, but you’re turning your kids’ lives upside down, too. Fear begins to take over, and there are so many things to fear when you think about things. You’re afraid of devastating your kids, affording divorce lawyers, and worrying about your finances. On some level, you’re embarrassed that you let things go for so long. But staying in this unhappy marriage is unhealthy and stressful. You’d be surprised by how much being in a lousy marriage affects your health and well-being.

Because divorce is a big decision, it can leave you feeling sick to your stomach; believe me, I’d know! What if this is a mistake; you don’t want to make this kind of mistake. This decision could be a colossal mistake; so, instead, you do nothing and keep on riding things out. You tell yourself, ‘I’ll just wait until the time is right’; ‘I’ll know when it truly is time.’ But the truth is, you’re stuck.

The problem with doing nothing – staying in a difficult marriage just because you’re not sure if you’re ready to get a divorce – can be disastrous. Being in this place – in limbo – takes a toll on you no matter how smart you are… staying in a bad marriage will just about kill you. Yet, through all the pain and disillusionment, I found the strength to reclaim my autonomy and protect my children from the toxic influence at home. Though the journey ahead is fraught with challenges, I am determined to break free from the chains of narcissistic abuse and create a life filled with genuine love, empathy, and authenticity.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt trapped in a dysfunctional relationship or marriage? How did you cope with the conflicting emotions and uncertainties?

How do you navigate the decision-making process when contemplating ending a relationship or marriage, especially when children are involved?

I didn’t know how to be supportive…

by

About 4-5 years ago, KMM went to the Dover Skating Center for a week of summer camp. And ever since then, she has been on the Delaware Skating Academy’s artistic roller skating team. Since the day she became a member of the team, she has dreamed of competing in a roller skating competition. That dream came true over Memorial Day Weekend when she competed in the American East Coast Artistic Championship at the Rollerdome Skating Family Fun Center in Richmond, VA. KMM was given the opportunity to compete in two different events: figures and Freestyle. Figures are not one of KMM’s favorite events, but she wanted to do something she wouldn’t normally do. On the other hand, Freestyle is her thing; it is what she is most passionate about and excels at.

ROAD TRIP! KMM and I got all packed and started our journey to VA for her very first roller skating competition. Even though we drove through a horrible thunder and lightning storm, KMM and I got there in excellent time.

On Friday night, all the skaters were given scheduled practice times to get used to the rink. At this practice, KMM thought the floor design was different enough from her rink’s floor that she needed to add something new to her routine to get from one side of the floor to the other and still be on time with the music. So KMM and one of her other coaches added a piece to her routine and practiced it that way for the rest of the practice.

KMM’s two events were on Saturday – Figures first and Freestyle next. As I watched KMM practice for both events, I realized I had no idea what to do for her. I didn’t know how to support her; should I let her see me watching her skate; should I hide behind my phone as I recorded her; what do I say to her before she went on the floor each time, and what do I say to her after each event.

I was so in my head about not doing the right thing for her; she wants me, no, she needs me to get it right, but at that moment, I realized I had no idea what was the ‘right’ thing to do for her. If I didn’t say or do the right thing, would she be off her game, and entirely unfocused. SHIT! What do I do? As much as I belittled myself for not knowing what to do or say, I decided I would just ask her.

I explained to KMM that I didn’t want to be a reason for her not being in the right ‘zone’ before her FIgures and then before Freestyle. I told her I wanted to be her best support system; I wanted her to know that I loved and believed in her. I reminded KMM that I was already proud of her for being here and would be even more proud once she got out on the rink floor. I told her when it was time for her Freestyle event, she should close her eyes, get in position, thank Gamster for watching over her, and then let the music run through her and feel the music and the words.

KMM completed her first event and did pretty well, but unfortunately did not place at all. I was getting increasingly nervous waiting for the Freestyle event – KMM didn’t land a single jump during her practice sessions. I knew she wanted to earn her spot on the awards podium. And there wasn’t a thing I could do to help her get there. A few minutes before KMM entered the rink floor, I realized she was sobbing. I didn’t know what to do; should I pretend I didn’t see her sobbing? Should I go to her and find out what happened? We made eye contact, and I knew she needed me. I went to her side, hugged her, and reminded her about our pep talk earlier.

It’s now time… she is about to enter onto the rink floor to start her Freestyle to Dean Fujioka’s, History Maker. I love listening to the lyrics for this song and watching KMM skate to it. The lyrics to this song speak to what was going on with her during the last year and a half – “tired of feeling never enough.” If you knew all the ‘darkness’ that KMM had experienced during that time, you would agree – this is her song.

“There’ll be no more darkness
When you believe in yourself, you are unstoppable
Where your destiny lies, dancing on the blades
You set my heart on fire“

Each time KMM was about to do a jump, I held my breath and prayed she would nail it. And each time she did, she nailed that entire freakin’ performance. Now we would wait to see what the judges thought. When it was time for KMM’s age group to be announced, I stood there, held my breath yet again, and prayed and prayed for her to place in this event – I didn’t care if she got 3rd place; I just wanted her to get one win this weekend – her first big win!

I can’t remember the last time I stood frozen and speechless when I heard the announcer call out her number…. OMG, she got first place! And no, I didn’t embarrass either one of us, but let’s just say KMM wasn’t the only one sobbing that day!

Great Things Await…

by

Over twenty five years ago I started the Wesley College chapter of my life as a college freshman. It’s hard to imagine that I have spent nearly half of my lifetime all at one place; that place being Wesley College. People joke around about having second homes, the gym or their job, but the truth of the matter is, Wesley College HAS BEEN my second home for over 25 years. And while Wesley College as I know it today will no longer exist on July 1, 2021, all of the amazing people I have met there (faculty, staff, students, alumni, etc.) and all of the memories I have from there will NEVER go away and they will carry on with me into the next chapter of my life.

My freshman year I lived in Williams hall with my high school friend JWU. Although today I am a huge proponent of getting a college education, back then I wasn’t too sure about going to college, let alone going away to college. But I was happy to be at a place that was far enough away from home and at the same time close to home as well. As a student I had only lived in Williams and Carpenter Halls, but when I first started working at Wesley, I got to know Gooding Hall all too well! The first year I worked at WC I lived in Gooding Hall. And against best practices, WC leadership changed Gooding Hall into a residence hall full of all females!!! Can you imagine having more than 50 females living together in one building?!?! While there were some girl fights here and there, it wasn’t nearly as bad as having a residence hall full of males. Poor Williams Hall took a beating back then. I can’t remember how many years the administration kept those two residence halls as single sex residence halls, but it was one year too many!

Over the course of my 20+ years working at Wesley College I held many different titles and worked with students in many different capacities. I started off in Student Affairs as a Resident Director (RD) of Gooding Hall and the Director of Student Activities (yes at the same time), then transitioned to Academic Affairs as an Assistant Director of Student Support Services, then became the Director of Disability Support Services, then the Director of Student Success & Retention until I was promoted to my final position, the Assistant Vice President of Academic Affairs. My higher ed. journey at Wesley taught me so many things about myself, others, and the world we live in (both then and now). There were many times I wanted to quit WC, curse or fight the people there for their stupidity, yet I persisted because I was always taught to never give up! Students came and spent their academic and athletic careers at WC, graduated, and moved on to the next phase of their lives. Yet the one thing that remained the same for me – the special relationships I made with each of them. The relationships I built at WC are the true definition of the “Wesley family”.

Not only has Wesley afforded me the opportunity to meet some amazing students, Wesley College also gave me my husband (KAM)! I met my husband our freshman year when he walked into my Orientation class in the building that is now known as Longwood Hall (we think it was formerly known as Bradford Hall). We quickly became friends and his friends all became my friends. Over the course of the next four years we developed a friendship that eventually turned into more. Throughout our relationship, and even now as a family of four, Wesley College remained a constant in our lives.

KAM and I spent many years after our graduation(s) at Wesley supporting the athletic programs and other student organizations’ events. While the football, women’s soccer, and men’s lacrosse team(s) will always hold a special place in our hearts, KAM and I supported all of the teams! Since the time KEM & KMM were babies they were brought to all kinds of games and student organization events. These two kids truly grew up having WC as their second home too. Two months ago when a student was interviewing me for his class assignment I found out that my kids are pretty famous! What he meant by that was that the WC kids knew they were MY kids. I couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing 🙂

While many WC students know my kids, my kids know them well too. Many of the WC students have become their older brothers or sisters and have made a tremendous impact on them. One of the older brothers reminded KEM one time he was talking back to me that “it is NEVER ok to disrespect your mother.” In fact, this older brother asked KEM if he needed to be taught some lessons :). Some WC kids pick up KMM from her elementary school when I can’t get out of work to get her myself. And they don’t just drop her off at WC, they actually walk her to my office to make sure she gets there safe and sound. They have supported both kids with their school fundraisers and supported me in my fundraising efforts for the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation.

The personal connection all of the Wesley students have made with KEM & KMM is so very special and important to both of them. This is one of the many different changes that weigh heavy on my heart and in my head. KEM is 14 years old and KMM is 10 years old and they have spent their whole lives being dragged along to a variety of different WC games or events, and that all changes on July 1st. Some of their big brothers and sisters are moving away and things will change. While change is always a good thing, this is the exact type of change that I dread. For over 20 years I have gotten used to students going home for the summer (or even staying!) and then coming back in August. Even when they graduate they always come back to Wesley to visit. But what, how, etc. will they come back; where will they go?

I haven’t even acknowledged the profound impact the Student Success & Retention (SSR) team has had on the McDermott family. Not only are they MY family, but they are also KAM’s, KEM’s and KMM’s family too! They know what KEM can and can’t eat because of his Crohn’s disease and what his favorite sport is; they know what KMM’s interests and hobbies are, even when they change on a daily basis; they know how much KAM loves to fish. K2 feel so comfortable calling or texting the SSR family if they need anything because SSR is their family too!

This might sound cocky (oh well) but the SSR team (and our cohorts in crime who know who you are) truly has kept Wesley operating smoothly and cleaned up so many messes for many years. The current SSR team is the best support system (for faculty, staff and students) that Wesley College has ever had! NO TEAM from the past could or would ever even come close to the perfection that is SSR now! DLA and I built the best SSR family Wesley College has ever had or seen. While we will always be a force to be reckoned with, we will look and be different next year. We need each other now, and after July 1, more than we have ever needed each other, but I know that we will continue to support one another, no matter what!

The Wesley home as we know it won’t exist after July 1st. And while I know that “Great Things Await” for all of us… I have prayed every day since the WC’S acquisition was announced that TOGETHER we will continue to remain WESLEY STRONG!

choosing self-care…

by

I am not good at putting myself first… I am always active, in motion, and constantly doing something. My calendar is jam-packed and often overpacked (<— see I admitted it). In a previous post I already shared how hard it has been for me to get my running and workout mojo back. However, one thing I am proud of being consistent with is my (our) training sessions with Kyle, our Personal Trainer from the YMCA. Courtney and I have been working out with him for a YEAR!

When we first started, Courtney and I were only training with Kyle once a week, and just recently started to train with him twice a week. And let me tell you, it has been the best thing I have done for myself. Not only do I get to hang out with my BFF twice a week, but I get to work on me: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I never once thought that taking another workout adventure with Courtney, would lead me down a path where I started to believe that I really am stronger than I think I am and capable of more than I give myself credit for.

Kyle has this wicked, yet funny laugh, and you know when that laugh comes out, shit is about to get real. But no matter how real, hard, or heavy the next workout is… giving up or stopping is not allowed. Yes, Kyle gives us breaks if and when we need them (even if they are only for one minute), but he reminds us, “you WILL finish that rep”; anything other than that, is unacceptable. Kyle always threatens that he “will wait all day” if necessary and “you will finish this rep.” When I think something is too heavy for me or I tell myself I can’t lift it (which is more times than I would like to admit), Kyle reminds me that I AM S.T.R.O.N.G.E.R. (we are both stronger) than I think I am (we think we are).

Another activity I choose for self-care is any outside activity with the family. You see, I love doing activities with the kids, especially ones where we can go outside because I feel like I am inside ALL of the time. I love the feeling of being outside (unless it is below zero degrees!) and the smell of fresh air. With technology today, most kids – mine included – want to stay inside, watch Netflix, and chill. But when I am not at work, doing my homework, or helping K2 catch up on their schoolwork, all I want to do is get outside with them. Again, this is another method of self-care for me.

We are very lucky that our whole household has off for the holiday and don’t go back to our respective schools until January 4th. The other day I told my family that the full week between Christmas and New Year’s Day I wanted to choose a Delaware State Park to explore; I want to go walk their trail; I want to do something new and different. While they have all agreed to my plan, I think I am the only person so far who has started to look at what parks I want to explore. The photos below are when we all ventured outside after the stay at home quarantine was lifted in the spring. We rode bikes along the C&D Canal and had such a great time.

What do you do for self-care? What will you do this holiday to slow down, or take a break? Hopefully I haven’t created too much of a To Do List for us… 🙂

trouble getting started…

by

A year ago, I broke my foot and was determined more than ever to not let KEM, my Philly Team Challenge family, or myself down and run the Vegas Half Marathon anyway in honor of KEM and his fight against Crohn’s Disease (the race was just 3 weeks after breaking up with that boot/cast).  And while it wasn’t my best work, I showed up and did it. It feels like that was the last time I showed up for something and felt a feeling of accomplishment.

Then the holidays came around and that is always a whirlwind time because I try to get in as much family time in as I possibly can.  But this past year, the holidays were different.  It was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Gammy (or Gamster as my kids called her).  While Gammy made going to the grocery store special and exciting, she always brought this magical feeling to holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter were always the best holidays… and all of my childhood memories come from celebrating them with her and the rest of my family.

Last Thanksgiving many of our family members decided to travel out to Ohio to see my uncle, others stayed local, and some crazy folks who will remain nameless, decided to get Thanksgiving dinner from a restaurant (LOL)!  Then Christmas came and went. And while we got together, it was just really weird.  You see Gammy was always the reason we all got together for the holidays.  She created many, if not all of the traditions we follow now.  But that Christmas just seemed really different… a little part of the magical feeling wasn’t there. Yet we celebrated the holidays and made it a point to keep her spirit entwined in everything we did.  

Then COVID hit and I feel like the whole world changed even more.  I was already feeling the effects of seasonal effective disorder setting in and then we all had to deal with the world shutting down and all of our kids being forced to go remote for school.  It was about this time that I started to recognize the slump I was falling into and found myself struggling to climb out.  The kids and their father (a teacher) were all home trying to teach and learn in a new way that we didn’t quite expect to last as long as it has lasted.  And I was going to into work trying my best to keep things afloat there and provide some kind of schedule for myself.  I really thought that if I could just get my groove (routine) back that I would start to feel better and get the motivation to get back to doing the things I love again.  But to be honest, it has been a huge struggle for me.  I am so good at doing, thinking, and taking care of others.  But I am TERRIBLE at taking care of myself.  

If you really know me, you know that I don’t mind getting up at 3:30am to go for a run; I am also the same person who will be in bed no later than 10pm.  But once COVID hit, everything changed. Nine months later, I am still struggling to get that part of my life back.  Now I stay up later than I should; I oversleep (by my terms); I barely, if not ever, run; and I am struggling… with all of this.  Please know that I recognize that me and my family are all very lucky and many people have lost so much. But, I am losing in a different way right here and now.

And while I struggle with the loss of time, effort, and energy to run or workout like usual (a huge part of my mental health), I am also starting to feel extreme guilt and anxiety in other areas of my life.  I feel like I never have enough time for myself, my husband, my kids, my siblings and parents, my family members, friends, schoolwork, work, etc.  I feel like each time I focus on one thing I end up ignoring someone or something else.  I feel like every time I turn around, I am letting someone else down, or missing out on an activity, a task or homework assignment.  Text messages, phone calls, voicemails, emails, and even mail start to build up and get ignored because I struggle to figure out where to start first. I feel like there is always something to do and never enough time to do it. Then I take a moment to stop and really see K2’s faces and feel like I somehow have disappointed them too; and for what,  I am not even sure.  

A wise person once told me that I can’t be the best version of myself, until I take care of myself.  I have to clean my own house.  And that means that I have to make a commitment to do things that I love doing, even if I only get to do it one out of two times.  The hardest part is always getting started… 

COVID holidays…

by

Earlier this week I found myself in a very silly text conversation with my mom and sister. I started the conversation off with a random text to both of them saying, “soooo Kevin and I don’t know how to do Thanksgiving. We’ve never not traveled…” My sister responded, “as in you don’t know how to cook it or you don’t know what you should do this year?” I instantly thought to myself, “of course I don’t know how to cook it; I am a vegetarian and have never actually cooked a turkey in my life”, but that wasn’t quite what I meant.

I responded to the group text reminding them that we (me, husband, and K2) have always traveled for Thanksgiving. When Kevin and I got married we agreed that we would rotate holidays each year with each other’s family. So every major holiday, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, we get in the car and travel to PA or NY. Then my smartass sister texted back and said, “well to not travel, you just stay home”. Then I found myself back at the starting point of my initial text to both of them. We don’t know how to do Thanksgiving… ALONE! I know I don’t know how to “do” holidays alone and I know neither do K2.

While COVID has wrecked havoc on both sides of Kevin’s and my family, it has not affected us nearly as bad as others have been affected. Believe me when I say, we are so very grateful that haven’t experienced some of the significant loss that others have experienced since COVID hit last spring. In fact, dare I say that while others have lost so much, we have actually been spared and given many blessings. During COVID we have welcomed several little babes to the extended family, sold our house in a matter of 3 days, found an amazing new home, and spent quality time (after the travel bans were lifted) vacationing and socially distancing with my family.

But as I sit here on Halloween, I once again find myself feeling out of sorts with this new way of living, especially as it relates to family events and holidays. I still haven’t quite expected this new normal and not sure I ever will be able to accept it. You see, we as a family of 4, have always gone out trick or treating together, or stayed at home and passed out candy to the neighborhood kids and enjoyed making them say “trick or treat” to get candy. But as much as we wanted to finally meet the neighbors who live in our new development, we found ourselves not participating in Halloween and instead apart from each other.

KMM was lucky enough to spend quality bonding time down at one of the Delaware beaches with her roller skating team and coaches. They all dressed up and I am sure are getting their fill of candy! Kevin went fishing for a bit and KEM and I took an early night stroll through Killen’s Pond State Park. After our walk through Killen’s Pond we took a drive down to the sweetFrog Store down in Rehoboth Beach for dinner and dessert. That is the one frozen yogurt store that doesn’t set him off into a Crohn’s flare.

And even though I had an amazing time with my teenage son who is always too cool to hang out with me these days, I sat there wondering if this is what the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays would be like (and not because I don’t want to cook!). Holidays are ALWAYS a major family event for us. We sit around and eat, drink, and share stories and memories about our current lives or the “good ‘ole days”. But most of all, we spend time with our family.

I know the world we live in right now is different, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I miss my family, I miss the traditions that Gammy Fran passed along to all of us. And I am fearful as the COVID holidays continue, that many of those traditions will be so altered that we will find it difficult to get back to our normal, traditional, family affairs.