A year ago, I broke my foot and was determined more than ever to not let KEM, my Philly Team Challenge family, or myself down and run the Vegas Half Marathon anyway in honor of KEM and his fight against Crohn’s Disease (the race was just 3 weeks after breaking up with that boot/cast).  And while it wasn’t my best work, I showed up and did it. It feels like that was the last time I showed up for something and felt a feeling of accomplishment.

Then the holidays came around and that is always a whirlwind time because I try to get in as much family time in as I possibly can.  But this past year, the holidays were different.  It was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Gammy (or Gamster as my kids called her).  While Gammy made going to the grocery store special and exciting, she always brought this magical feeling to holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter were always the best holidays… and all of my childhood memories come from celebrating them with her and the rest of my family.

Last Thanksgiving many of our family members decided to travel out to Ohio to see my uncle, others stayed local, and some crazy folks who will remain nameless, decided to get Thanksgiving dinner from a restaurant (LOL)!  Then Christmas came and went. And while we got together, it was just really weird.  You see Gammy was always the reason we all got together for the holidays.  She created many, if not all of the traditions we follow now.  But that Christmas just seemed really different… a little part of the magical feeling wasn’t there. Yet we celebrated the holidays and made it a point to keep her spirit entwined in everything we did.  

Then COVID hit and I feel like the whole world changed even more.  I was already feeling the effects of seasonal effective disorder setting in and then we all had to deal with the world shutting down and all of our kids being forced to go remote for school.  It was about this time that I started to recognize the slump I was falling into and found myself struggling to climb out.  The kids and their father (a teacher) were all home trying to teach and learn in a new way that we didn’t quite expect to last as long as it has lasted.  And I was going to into work trying my best to keep things afloat there and provide some kind of schedule for myself.  I really thought that if I could just get my groove (routine) back that I would start to feel better and get the motivation to get back to doing the things I love again.  But to be honest, it has been a huge struggle for me.  I am so good at doing, thinking, and taking care of others.  But I am TERRIBLE at taking care of myself.  

If you really know me, you know that I don’t mind getting up at 3:30am to go for a run; I am also the same person who will be in bed no later than 10pm.  But once COVID hit, everything changed. Nine months later, I am still struggling to get that part of my life back.  Now I stay up later than I should; I oversleep (by my terms); I barely, if not ever, run; and I am struggling… with all of this.  Please know that I recognize that me and my family are all very lucky and many people have lost so much. But, I am losing in a different way right here and now.

And while I struggle with the loss of time, effort, and energy to run or workout like usual (a huge part of my mental health), I am also starting to feel extreme guilt and anxiety in other areas of my life.  I feel like I never have enough time for myself, my husband, my kids, my siblings and parents, my family members, friends, schoolwork, work, etc.  I feel like each time I focus on one thing I end up ignoring someone or something else.  I feel like every time I turn around, I am letting someone else down, or missing out on an activity, a task or homework assignment.  Text messages, phone calls, voicemails, emails, and even mail start to build up and get ignored because I struggle to figure out where to start first. I feel like there is always something to do and never enough time to do it. Then I take a moment to stop and really see K2’s faces and feel like I somehow have disappointed them too; and for what,  I am not even sure.  

A wise person once told me that I can’t be the best version of myself, until I take care of myself.  I have to clean my own house.  And that means that I have to make a commitment to do things that I love doing, even if I only get to do it one out of two times.  The hardest part is always getting started…